It’s going to happen tonight. I hope you have prepared for the worst. It’s not too late to go to the hardware store and purchase the supplies that will insure your survival. May I suggest you stock up on duct tape, aluminum foil, and Honey Buns.
Why duct tape? That’s a dumb question. Give me a roll of duct tape and a Swiss Army Knife and I could start a survival reality show. Duct tape should be at the top of every survivalist’s list.
Aluminum foil? Duh! To make head coverings so aliens can’t track and/or control your brain waves.
Honey Buns? Come on…fried carbohydrates slathered in sweet frosting . Even if you don’t survive the looming destruction, you might as well be happy. OK, you might not be able to find these at every hardware store.
So what’s about to happen?
How will you know the sequester has taken place?
That’s why I’m writing this. Through my careful study of the subject, combined with an acute ability to predict when seemingly catastrophic events are going to happen, I’m hoping to offer you the best chance of suffering the sequester with as little discomfort as possible.
Over the past half hour, I have carefully gleaned from the best journalism in America. I have scoured the most credible internet sources of information (including, but not limited to, the Alaskan Dispatch and the Washington Post) for insight into the tragedies that await us.
I have even brought my acute powers of perception to bear upon this subject. How acute are they? Consider this: Earlier this past month, in a moment of prophetic genius, I predicted the power outage during the 3rd quarter of the Super Bowl (just ask my good friend Aron). It is with the same weight of that rare, innate ability that I make these predictions today so that you may know the horrors of what we are about to experience.
Tonight at midnight, $85 billion in government spending cuts will go into effect. That’s BILLIONS my friends. If you were to lay 85 billion $1 bills end to end…. well, they would go a very long way and you would be extremely impressed by how much money that is. I kid you, not!
According to my research….
- As the clock strikes 12 tonight, planes all over the country will fall out of the skies because air traffic controllers will mysteriously vanish.
- What little military capability we have left will be mustered to fend off a full on assault of aggressively expanding countries like Malta and Monaco.
- The decimated defense expenditures will have a devastating consequence upon a predicted 800,000 civilian workers. That’s roughly the population of South Dakota. (It’s not that they are going to lose their jobs or anything but they may be forced to do 20% less work.)
- Polar bears and other cute animals that can kill humans without even breaking a sweat may be pushed over the brink of extinction because zoos all across Washington D.C. will no longer have access to crazy, ridiculous, and obscene amounts of public money.
- Children will be seen brazenly running the streets with MEGA HUGE GULP 44 oz containers of soda. This was probably going to happen anyway, even in New York.
- People will resort to killing and cooking household pets because meat will no longer be a luxury we can buy at the supermarket once government paid meat inspectors lose their jobs.
Are these days we really want to suffer? Care we endure the indignity?
Is there another way? Is there any hope for our impoverished land?
How can we survive? How can we prevent the imminent dread from defeating us?
Here’s what I’m going to do:
- I’m going to wake up tomorrow morning resolved to be a little less dependent upon Uncle Sam. Uncle Sam and I have a much healthier relationship when he needs me more than I need him. It’s when those roles are reversed that we find ourselves in real trouble.
- I’m going to think about God when I eat my Honey Bun. For 40 years he provided honey bun type stuff, or manna, to his children in desert so they would learn where their blessing and their sustenance came from. After I finish my Honey Bun, I’m going to keep my eyes open and see what other blessings I can find that come from the hand of God. If you don’t think about God when you eat your Honey Buns, then maybe you will after you see this video.
Maybe after a few weeks of suffering the sequester, we can get cozy with the idea of trusting God more, and everything else a little less. If a 2.4% cut in government spending can teach us that, then we’re liable to be 100% better off in the long run.